This month marks a year since I’ve written a cohesive story. My heart hurts just writing that sentence. I wish I could tell you it was one particular thing that kept me blocked or that it was a combination of this and that with a little bit of this mixed in. Truth be told I have no idea what caused my creativity to be so stifled. I could say it was the election. I could say it was the consistent and horrible news this year seemed in massive supply of. The worst is not knowing. All I know for sure is that it made this year even more unbearable. Writing is like breathing to me so every day, week, and month gone without something to show for it often left me wondering: Is this it? Is it time to move on? Or is this the best thing for me right now? Could this break be the thing I didn’t know I needed? Well, I’ve learned to stop worrying about the why and work on the when. When am I going to take a sledgehammer to this wall and get it out of my way? As luck would have it salvation has come in the form of something I know very well…
Except for the occasional retweet on Twitter, like on Instagram, or queue post on Tumblr, I’ve been pretty absent from social media for the better part of the summer. I can’t chalk this lack of presence to one single thing. It’s, as my nephew likes to say, “many” things. Some of it has been good (the birth of my second nephew, Dylan, for example). But, as is my string of luck, the better chunk of it has been bad. How bad? Well, let’s take a look at the most recent headlines in the news circuits.
You got my back against the wall
And now I can’t ever get comfortable
No I never sold my soul
If I ever do throw my bones to the wolves
No I never sold my soul
No I never sold mine
I’ve been listening to PVRIS a lot lately. I had maybe one, two songs by them previously. But then I saw the recently released music videos for the singles off their August 4th release (“Heaven” and, the one posted here, “What’s Wrong”). After that I downloaded their first album and have only been listening to that, eagerly awaiting the entirety of their next album, of which I have already pre-ordered. There’s something about listening to Lynn sing that makes me feel worthwhile. There’s something in the lyrics, in the melodies, in the presence the band has in their other music videos that has reignited a purpose within myself. To describe it in full would take too long. All that’s important to share is how sometimes all it takes is one lucky find. A book, a movie, an artist, a particular song, a piece of art; PVRIS is that lucky find for me and they have slithered into my bloodstream and warmed the cold trenches that have too long kept me concealed in the shadows. I feel ready to write now. Ready to tackle the fear that’s rooted itself in my core. No more, I say. While belting PVRIS I will rip the suffocating, flesh squeezing weeds from my body and start anew. ♥
Here’s the thing that haunts me the most: that I’m not good enough. I see authors I admire post about signings, events and other amazing things happening with their careers and that damn seed of self-doubt, of fear, of bitterness is planted. It creeps back in and freezes my fingers on the keyboard. It’s the worst feeling in the world.
A week into it and this new project and I have had our good days and our bad days. We’re teetering on the fence of more good than bad as of late and I thank this song for that. One of the few on the present playlist, the tone and lyrics set me right in the thick of the plot and it is often on constant repeat. Ladies and gentlemen, this musical interlude is brought to you by Bring Me the Horizon.
I watch you like a hawk
I watch you like I’m gonna tear you limb from limb
Will the hunger ever stop?
Can we simply starve this sin?
I’m always a jumble of nerves before starting a new project. Today is no exception. Tomorrow marks the first day of another long journey into the writing cave. It’s been a month since I last ventured inside and I’m all packed, ready to dive back in.
I wanted to share a video from my favorite band. No, seriously. They are my #1 in my Top 5, 10, etc… Poets of the Fall is a Finnish alternative rock band. This is a group that blends harmonies and melodies like I’ve never heard before. I discovered them after watching a MirrorMask fan-made video that used one of their earlier songs, “Illusion and Dream.” From that moment I was hooked and sought out their first album. Seven albums later and I am as in love with them now than when I first heard them.